“Its always the worst when I’m alone. Hits me all at once…the loneliness, the despair, the meaninglessness…I’m laying in bed naked..naked because I’ve stripped myself of everything, or at least that’s how it feels. It’s crazy to believe how much of our self esteem is placed on the types of relationships we have with other people. We learn to identify ourselves by those relationships themselves, instead of our own beautifully flawed characteristics. They’re always saying that humans are social creatures, that we need each other to stay alive. I didn’t know when they said that, that they were talking about keeping our spirits, and our minds alive. How come I prefer to be alone, yet die on the inside a little bit every time I sit down to have another meal with myself? Am I waiting for the right person or will I find something wrong in everyone…ultimately convincing myself I’m the only one who deserves my company. My life is a constant dialogue between myself and I…with one part trying to convince the other that this is how I was meant to live, while the other persists that there is a way out..there is a way out of the bondage I have talked myself into. I am a walking contradiction. I say one thing yet I mean another. I do something yet, I’m imagining being somewhere else, or at least being with someone…someone who understands me better than I know myself.. someone who knows what I want before I know it. Someone who knows how to make the right decisions for me. It is only then that I realize the person I’m envisioning is myself. It’s just the part of myself I haven’t found yet. “
That’s just something I wrote during winter break, as a response to the way I was feeling in dealing with a break-up of an amazing three year relationship. The breakup took more from me than I could have ever anticipated. It took my security, my self-esteem, my sense of belonging, my sense of meaning, and my optimism from me. I never really knew how much I had invested into the relationship until I didn’t have it anymore. I had invested more than just my time, love, compassion, and sacrifice…I had invested a large portion of my personality in it. I had let myself become the relationship, to the point where I didn’t know who I was without it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, to a certain extent. It’s actually necessary in building true relationships built on respect, admiration, loyalty, and love. But, in the process we cannot forget that we are our own independent beings. We are responsible for developing a personality strong enough to not only function, but to excel on its own. That way, you are ready for anything. That way, you are strong enough to overcome all the hell that life will inevitably throw at you because, “what can go wrong, will go wrong”.
I know that now more than ever and ever since that realization I have been focusing on myself and trying to learn as much about myself as possible so that I can do what I know is good for me. We’re all in a struggle to find ourselves. As cliche as that sounds, and for as much as that phrase is thrown around, it is so damn real. There’s a voice inside every one of us that is screaming to be heard, and if you listen close enough that voice will tell you all that you need to know about yourself. You know what I’m talking about, whether or not you can verbalize it. Listen to your inner self, and not the part of you that seeks to make you more socially appealing, because that part will always lead you astray in telling you about yourself. Only you can make you happy. Only you can find meaning in your life. Nobody knows you better than you know you. Nobody knows what you want better than you do. Nobody knows what’s best for you better than you do. If you don’t believe me, it’s because you’re not listening closely enough.
