“The harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control” – Jordan Peterson. I’m not sure how you may interpret this statement, but to me it’s incredibly meaningful and empowering. As cliche as it may sound, college, and really young adulthood in general, is a crucial time in getting to learn more about yourself. I only say this because I’ve learned more about myself in the last two and a half years than in my entire life put together. I moved to Boston with what I thought was a pretty good understanding of myself. I discovered pretty quickly that I wasn’t the person I thought myself to be.
I came to that realization very gradually and very painfully. When entering college, I thought myself to be insusceptible to all vices. I hadn’t drank in high school. I hadn’t gotten in much trouble throughout my lifetime, except for maybe talking too much in class or getting a little too competitive in organized sports. For the most part, I had done everything right up to that point in my life. What I didn’t realize was that I had never really been challenged. My temptations had never really been put to the test. Because I didn’t socialize at all in high school, I had never been in a situation where I could have as much as I wanted to drink. I had never been in a bar full of people, with crucial decisions to make. I had never been further than 19 miles away from my girlfriend. I had never spent more than a night or two away from home before.
I understand many people went through the same experience, and had to move even further away from home, their families, friends, and their significant others. My intent is not to try and make my situation sound unbearable or terribly unique. Rather, I am trying to relate to anyone who may have gone through a similar situation, or is still going through it as I am, because it’s a long, gradual process of learning.
With that being said, freshman year was undoubtedly the worst year of my life. What made it so bad was that it wasn’t due to misfortune, but to the decisions and I made and the way I addressed the problems I faced. The first issue I had to contend with was not receiving any playing time on the football field. I went from being one of the star players on my high school football team to being a small fish in an even bigger pond. That didn’t sit right with me and it kept me up most nights. It led me to question myself more than ever before and second guess whether I was built for this or not. It led to countless anxiety attacks and it led me to consider transferring, and even giving up football for good.
Even worse than the way I handled the football situation, was the way I handled my relationship. The distance between us drove me to crippling jealousy and the insistence on taking control over her life. On top of that, I was quick to question the relationship and even leave it, at the first sign of disagreement. I was anxious, angry, jealous, insecure, controlling, manipulative, and hypocritical.When my girlfriend and I broke up, because of my own doing, I gave in to expedience as opposed to meaning. I had done everything I thought I wouldn’t. Now I understood by temperament to a certain degree even before entering college, but never did I think I was capable of actually becoming the boyfriend, and just overall person I was at the time. I knew I was passionate, assertive, caring, and careful, but never did I think I was jealous, aggressive, untrue, or impulsive. I had to learn my capacity for malevolence by being stripped of comfort and convenience.
It was around this time that I became close with a member of my team who is a lot different than I am. While I am a more polarizing person, this kid is liked by everyone. He is a very agreeable person, and he’s pleasant to be around. He’s laid back and easy going and everyone enjoys his company. He has plenty of friends on and off the football team and he can strike up a conversation with almost anyone. It’s safe to say that if you dislike this kid, there’s a problem with you, not him. The more time I spent with this kid, the more I wanted to be like him. I watched how he got along with everyone and how happy he was and thought to myself: “I want that.” I wished that I was as agreeable as him. I wished that people liked me the way they liked him. Most importantly, I wanted to be like him because I thought that was the only way to be a good man.
All my life I prided myself on being a good person, and when I saw the malevolence I was capable of, I was shaken to my core. So, in an attempt to be a better person, I tried to emulate his character. I failed miserably. It was at that exact moment where I completely lost hope in my future. I decided I wasn’t fit to be a good person; my personality and temperament were not meant to harness goodness. I was aggressive and assertive for a reason and I was bound to use those strengths the way I thought they were meant to be used. It was at that point that I decided I was ready and willing to accept and engage in a lifestyle “more fit” for me. I was ready to drop out of school and do whatever it took to get the things I wanted.
I ended up dropping out of school for three days, and was talked into going back to school by my high school coach. While I never did adopt the dangerous lifestyle I imagined, the fact that I was ready and willing to do so still scares me to this day. I had lost all hope in my ability to be a good person. I thought I was a slave to my temper and my aggression and my addictive personality. In a way I thought my future was pre-determined. It was only until I discovered Jordan Peterson and read that quote that my life changed forever.
“The harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control” – Jordan Peterson
This idea not only served as a beacon of hope for me, but it also meant that I actually had the advantage at embodying goodness. To truly be good, one must possess the courage and the strength to confront the seemingly insurmountable obstacles that stand in the way of virtue. The classic hero story goes something like this: A dragon emerges that threatens your safety and the safety of your village. The dragon also hoards gold. The hero of the story is the man who confronts and slays the dragon to ensure his safety and retrieve the gold. To accomplish a feat like this, one has to incorporate the monstrous, primal, malevolent, part of the themselves, and own it. It becomes their greatest strength in times of adversity. This is not something the harmless person is able to accomplish. This means that being harmless is not synonymous with being virtuous. In fact, the more harmless you are, the less virtuous you are. The harmless person isn’t capable of incorporating the dark side of their personality to achieve meaningful goals.
How often do you see an obedient, passive person go on to change the world. It’s not a coincidence that the famous historical figures we look up to challenged the conventions of their time, often broke laws, confronted and overcame adversity, and challenged authorities. It’s not a coincidence that the superheroes we embrace on tv all have an evil quality to them. Harry Potter broke rules all the time. He broke them for good reasons of course, but he had to be able to break the rules in order to achieve something truly good.
Now that I fully understand my capacity for malevolence and for evil, I can harness it and use it to be the hero in my own story. I can incorporate my shadow (Jungian concept, similar to Freud’s id) to defeat the metaphorical dragons that stand in the way of the ultimate virtues I seek to attain. I took my competitive, addictive trait and applied it to football. This year I will be a four-year starter. I took my tendency for impulsivity and used it to surprise my girlfriend more often and to be adventurously spontaneous. I take my aggressiveness and my assertiveness and use it to bargain for myself and stand up for those who don’t have a voice. I use my anger to put an end to mistreatment and injustice in any small way that I can. I took my yearning for control and applied it to being more in control of my feelings, cognitions, and behaviors as best as I can manage.
Modern western society has succeeded in leading people to believe that traits such as aggression, anger, addiction, and selfishness are inherently bad. On the flip side, it glorifies obedience, conformity, and harmlessness as good, virtuous traits. Do not fall for this visualization of human nature and society because it is not an accurate representation of history, nor objective reality. Dare to be dangerous.
I am dangerous. I hold the capacity to do unspeakable things. I speak when I shouldn’t and I am easily driven by emotion. My primal, animal self is very much developed. I am conscious of my capacity for evil and for malevolence, yet I don’t act in that matter, and that is why I am good.
