In many ways, a romantic relationship is just a strong friendship. Many of the characteristics of a good friendship overlap with that of a good relationship. You talk to each other. You listen to each other. You work out problems together. You fight over which solutions to implement in order to solve those problems. You call out your friend when they need it, no matter how difficult it may be. You celebrate together; you mourn together. You hate each other, love each other, and then repeat the process, because no matter how tough it gets their friendship is always worth it.
Perception is Reality (Korab)
Why should it be any different with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? Before you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend to your partner, you must be a good friend. I believe this is consistently overlooked in many relationships, but especially marriages. I know plenty of men in marriages who couldn’t bear the thought of thinking of their wife as their best friend. If you asked them about it they’d probably give you some righteous reply saying that having a wife is a much bigger responsibility than having a girlfriend, and that they’ve been together for 20 years. While that person would be right, they would also be missing the point. Why make your wife, the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with and presumably build a family with, out to seem like a burden. Yes, you may be a grown man with bills and responsibilities, but it is not beneath you to have a true friendship with your life partner. In fact, it is the base on which you chose to start a relationship in the first place, and then build a family.
This goes for any relationship, marriage or not. In my personal opinion, it just seems to me that titles tend to make people forget what the relationship is all about. Any title denoting more than a simple friendship has a negative connotation of responsibility attached to it. This brings to mind instances when men refer to their partners as their old “ball and chain”. It’s phrases like this that make your partner out to seem like a burden, or something that is holding you back. I understand that this phrase is more of a movie trope, and is rarely used, but the mentality has pervaded the way we think of our significant others in a negative way. The example I use is that of men referring to their partners this way, but it’s important to note that this action is reflected by women as well.
A romantic relationship is different from a regular friendship in the sense that it is more intimate and that you put more trust in the your partner than you would with just a friend. You tend to rely on your partner more than you would a friend. The sexual aspect also adds a layer of vulnerability that isn’t there with a regular friendship as well. I understand these differences very well, but these factors shouldn’t be emphasized to the extent that they carry more value than the fundamental connection that brought you together in the first place. Because when that happens the relationship is seen as more of an obligation, than it is a blessing. I can’t stand someone who chews too loud when they eat at the table next to me. I develop a deep hate for humanity every time I go to park my car and see that Honda Accord occupying two parking spots. It is an absolute miracle that two people can love each other enough, despite their and their partner’s flaws and differences, to carry out this hard life beside one another. Don’t let a title misconstrue just what that means. Every good relationship is a miracle and a blessing. You are best friends before you are anything else.
Wake up every morning with the mentality that “you get to see your person today”. “You get to” drive your girlfriend to work today; not “you have to” drive your girlfriend to work today. “You get to” call your boyfriend today; not “you have to” call your boyfriend today. It wouldn’t seem like an obligation if you did it for your friend would it? Then why does it seem like that if you do it for your partner? How you define your relationship in your own head is how you will perceive it. It’s funny my friend once joked about how much it must suck for me to have to attend all of Rebecca’s family events as if that is the most dreaded obligation for a boyfriend to perform. I’ve actually enjoyed every single one of her family events, and not because I love her family and they definitely know how to have a good time, but because nothing beats seeing the smile on Rebecca’s face when her family and I are all in the same place.
See your relationship for what it really is – the best friendship you will ever have. What else could you ask for?
Listen (Korab)
Any good friendship involves constant communication. If you truly are good friends then there will always be something to talk about because both of you live complex lives with problems that need to be articulated. The art of listening is often overlooked and very difficult to master. How many of you find yourselves thinking about what to respond while someone else is talking to you? The other person is opening themselves up and giving you a window into their minds, and you’re only hearing fifty percent of what they are saying because you are preparing your response before they’ve even gotten half way through what they are saying. I find myself doing this all the time and it’s a very bad habit, and a hard one to break. I now practice actively listening and truly try to understand Rebecca’s thought process when she is telling me about something. I do not go in with the mentality of trying to give her the best advice or trying to lead her down a certain path. I listen to what she has to say. I repeatedly ask her questions about what she is saying so that I’m sure I have the story right, and then I ask her how she feels about the situation and what she would like to do about it. This allows her to lay out her problems, express her emotions, and formulate her own solution to her own problem. It’s important that I don’t steal Rebecca’s problems and make them mine, and its especially important that I don’t rob her of the achievement of arriving to her own proper solution (and that’s not saying I have an answer to all her problems because I certainly don’t). This is ultimately better for both of us in the long run because I develop a better understanding of Rebecca and she practices the critical thinking skills of solving the problems that plague our lives. She does the same for me and we are both better people because of it.
We all want to have the advice that is going to save the day for our friends or our partners. What we fail to realize is that people suck at thinking, until they start speaking. The psychological literature shows that people think better when they speak their thoughts out loud. I’m sure this doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone, because I know I come up with ideas and thoughts while speaking and writing, that I never would have been able to articulate if I had just tried to brainstorm them. With that being said, it’s important to keep in mind that the person you are talking to does not necessarily even know where their thoughts will take them while they speak. When you speak, you are just participating in a more active, practical way of thinking. The implications of this dynamic means you have to be fully present in the dialogue when the other person is speaking because for the most part, they don’t even know where they are going with their point. Listening is more important than responding. There is a direct correlation between the accuracy of diagnosis in psychotherapy, and the amount of words the therapist chooses to speak in the first session. In other words, the fewer the therapist speaks, the more accurate the diagnosis.
When you choose to really listen to someone else, both you and the other person become better as a consequence of it. The other person gets a chance to articulate their thoughts and order them in a manner that they could not have done as well on their own. You improve as a consequence of the dialogue as well because you’ve helped them get their thoughts in order, and because you can learn a little something from everyone and every situation. Only after you have truly listened to what the other person has said should you provide your input.
Jordan Peterson always says you can tell whether someone is a good friend or not by the way they respond to any good or bad news you give them. If you go to a friend and tell them about your new job, they should be happy for you and they shouldn’t somehow relate the news to themselves. They should not tell you how amazing their job is as well and how “happy” they are that you now have a good job as well. The same goes for bad news. When you go to a friend or partner with bad news, they should put themselves in your shoes and genuinely feel as if they are experiencing the unfortunate circumstances as well. They should not try to one-up you with worse news to try and make you feel better, because it’s disingenuous and minimizes the other person’s subjective experience of the situation. It’s important that those close to you act in this manner, and you do as well. This kind of behavior should be consistent across all relationships.
It can be hard to react the right away in certain situations. If you’re having a fantastic day, week, or even a month, and your partner comes to you with bad news, you need to forget about yourself for a moment and be there for them. You would want them to do the same for you. It can be even harder when you’re in the dumps and your partner comes to you with great news about their new internship. Again, put your damn feelings aside and celebrate with them because they deserve it and so do you. It is important to be able to turn off your ego and celebrate your partner’s successes. It is just as important to make your partner feel heard and UNDERSTOOD when they encounter trouble.
Friendly Advice (Rebecca)
As we’ve discussed in our last post, it is important while in a relationship to have your own life and independence. It is crucial to have your own circle of people to rely on, as well as things you enjoy just for you that are separate from your relationship. So many people can lose themselves in a relationship, and ultimately begin to resent their significant other for it. A key factor in maintaining your independence is continuing to surround yourself with your friends, instead of neglecting them. It is very tempting to want to dedicate all of your time to your significant other, especially in the beginning of a relationship. After all, they may be the one you spend the rest of your life with so building a good foundation is necessary for a long, fulfilling life. I know nothing makes me happier than being with Korab. The way him and I connect, I feel, is on a whole other level. No one understands me or makes me more comfortable than he does. Yet, I found myself losing my individuality in the relationship, which ultimately lead to our brief separation. I began to neglect my friends completely, and only focus on my relationship. When someone does not know their own self and is lost, they become less interesting and less appealing. Now, one way I’ve found to keep myself grounded in who I am is by my friendships. They will always bring me back to my roots and remind me who I am outside of the relationship and assist me in loving that person.
My friendships are extremely important to me. I have lost and gained numerous friends throughout these past years, and I am now at a place where every single person in my life is someone that I choose to be around because their values coincide with mine. I have learned that being selective with your friendships is GOOD and it is necessary. You will always become who you surround yourself with, so you must have people in your life that you align with and will help/guide you positively along your journey. Even if they are harshly truthful to you, you rather people who will be honest and make you a better person, than someone who will lie to you and encourage bad behavior. When people around you are building you up, you will begin to evolve astronomically. You will turn to your friends constantly for advice, especially when it comes to your relationship. You will look for a second opinion or maybe another set of eyes for solutions to situations, but you must always remember: nobody knows your relationship the way you do. No one can possibly understand the connection between you and your partner, because they are not experiencing it. They are not there for all the tiny moments, and they do not see the way you two are together when no one is around. This does not make your friends opinion invalid, but you must keep in mind that they aren’t in the relationship like you are. It is important to still ask friends for their opinions, because they can help you see things in a way you may not have. A fresh pair of eyes and a different outlook will help you become more open minded and allow you to see things in perspectives you may have never considered previously.
Another thing to keep in mind when dealing with friendships and your relationship is this: you may forgive your significant other for things, but your friends may not. It is easy to make your friends dislike your partner when you are constantly running to them about your troubles. Friends will get annoyed with your relationship when you all you do is complain and bring them little problems and issues on the daily. I remember in high school I would literally run to my lunch table to tell all my friends about my relationship problems in hopes that they could help me. Two days would go by and I’d be with Korab again, but they would remember the fight. My friends at first, to be honest, weren’t the biggest fan of Korab. Korab and my relationship started extremely immature and rocky, and I would always turn to my friends crying. We argued at least once every two weeks, that would lead to many “break ups”. Yet, once I forgave Korab I began noticing that my friends hadn’t. They did not like to see me so upset every other day, so they began voicing their opinions. It took me a long time to realize that maybe I was wrong in doing that. I was only giving them one side of Korab, and it was one that he knew he wanted and needed to change.
They didn’t understand or know him the way I do, and that is why they were so hesitant in forgiving him. They only knew the negative picture I painted whenever I would run to them with my problems, because I wouldn’t brag to them about the good things. The same happened with my old roommates in college. They only knew the terrible picture I depicted of Korab towards them, because whenever I would turn to them it would be with a problem in my relationship. They didn’t know a single thing or even really met him and saw how amazing he was, because I tainted their vision of him early on. I only spoke to them when I was up crying for hours about a dumb argument Korab and I had gotten into the night before.
How often do you ever really find yourself yourself boasting about how fantastic your relationship is? Think about it. How many times do you go up and tell your friends all the great things about your partner? Barely ever. Unless they ask, chances are you are not going to text them screenshots of cute messages between your S.O. and you. Yet, when it comes to arguments your entire camera roll will be filled with screenshots ready to be sent to your friends. That is why it is important to properly filter what you tell your friends. If they only hear bad things, they will only begin to think of all the bad things and their opinion will be consistent through those lenses.
Some things are meant to stay between you and your partner. A relationship is between you and the other person involved. Privacy is necessary. The whole world does not need to know about your business, and the fights you get into. It’s important to make sure that the relationship stays between the two of you, because only you both will understand the situation completely. So next time your partner says something to piss you off and annoy you when you’re on the phone with him/her, do not run and tell your friends. They will remember it, while the next day you may forget it entirely. But, if it is a big problem that is bothering you, discussing it with a friend may be wise. I fresh pair of eyes to analyze the situation and help you break it down can be good! I do that whenever I truly need it with my friend Christa. She is so honest where she’ll tell me if I’m out of line, or if she gets where I’m coming from and helps me think of ways to resolve the situation. It all depends on the magnitude of the situation. Having friends to surround yourself with is essential, but make sure they don’t interfere with your relationship. They are not a part of your relationship, so don’t give them the idea that they are. Be grateful that they are willing to help, but make sure there is a separation between the two phases.
