If you are in a serious, committed relationship you know just how much work goes into maintaining a strong bond between you and your significant other. Most people spend more time with their partner than they do with anyone else. What is obvious, but nonetheless unique about a romantic relationship, is the fact that you spend so much time with him/her that they are virtually your best friend, or at least they should be. Throw in sex and that adds an even more complicated layer to the fabric of your relationship. This leads to countless arguments, pointless bickering, hours of contemplation, and plenty of seemingly meaningless, but important logistical problems that need to be taken care of before they become bigger problems.
With that being said, being in a relationship is like anything else- you get what you put into it. It’s important to understand how a romantic relationship is similar to other relationships and how it is different. It is crucial to understand that relationships involve lots of planning. Things will not happen spontaneously the way they do in movies. There are things that need to be talked about, futures that need to be planned, emotions that need to be expressed, and conversations that need to be had. If you and your partner learn what is important and what isn’t, then you will enjoy one of the most fulfilling experiences of being a human being- loving and caring for someone wholeheartedly and knowing they feel the same way about you. You will grow with each other, and because of each other.
Rebecca and I have been dating for over 3 and a half years now and we have been through hell and back. Our relationship is amazing, but nowhere near perfect. Throughout the years we have been confronted with countless issues that we needed to solve if we wanted to keep our relationship going and allow it to flourish. Throughout this time, we have developed a pretty good idea of the complications that are most likely to arise. While our relationship hurdles have been consequences of our specific circumstances, we feel that many relationships deal with a lot of the same problems. We do not claim to have all the answers, nor do we think our relationship is better than anyone else’s. We just thought that we would share some of the hurdles we have had to overcome and how we overcame them, in hopes that you might learn from our mistakes and our experiences.
1. Time Commitment & Management (Korab)
The most precious thing you can offer someone is your time. Texting and calling each other is one thing, and its important, but it certainly doesn’t compare to spending time with your significant other in person. It is difficult to overstate the importance of making time to see your partner face to face and physically experiencing life together. The conversations had and the experiences you have together help you in developing a deep understanding and appreciation of the person you are with. With that being said, the amount of time you spend with your partner and the circumstances under which you see each other are extremely important. These conversations pop up time and time again and can become very combative and draining.
As some of you may know, I play football for Boston College and my girlfriend goes to Fordham in the Bronx so we do not get to see each other as much as most couples get to see each other. I only get to go home twice a year for a period of 2 weeks or longer each time. The rest of the time I either drive home for the weekend when it’s not football season or camp, or she comes up to see me at my games for only about 24 hrs at a time. We work very hard to see other (she moreso than I) and sacrifice a lot to do so and we are both very grateful for each other’s efforts.
Even though we have worked out a pretty good system on how and when to see each other, it wasn’t always that way. Because im usually home for only a weekend at a time, it is a logistical nightmare to try and see my family, friends, and Rebecca all in the span of 48 hrs. All three expect me to spend a disproportionate amount of time with them and all within a short weekend. I literally end up having to create a mental itinerary of what my weekend is going to look like and that ends up being so stressworthy, that is sometimes feels like it’s not even worth going home and having to deal with it. When I spend too much time with Rebecca, my old-fashioned family thinks I have abandoned them and that I am “losing my way” (yes they’ve actually told me that). When I spend more time with my family than Rebecca, she feels as if she puts in a disportionate amount of effort and sacrifice to see me when she pretty much gives up her entire fall to come to every home game and watch every away game on TV…and I don’t blame her at all because I know I could not do that as well as she does If I were in her position. On the other hand, my best friend knows I see Rebecca more than I see him, therefore he thinks he’s obligated to more time with me when I am home on the weekends.
Thankfully, Rebecca and I now understand how the other feels about the entire situation, and so we have addressed each other’s concerns. This was only possible after honest conversation and includes truly listening to what the other person had to say. For example, a couple years ago Rebecca mentioned that every time I came home for the weekend, we would hang out at my house and with my family because I just assumed that we should hang out at my house because I’m the one who is never home and she goes to school 40 min from home. Rebecca loves my family and spending time with us at my house, but she asked if I could just come home spend one weekend with her at Fordham because I had only visited once before and only for a short time.
It’s important to see this situation from both point of views because my schedule made it almost impossible to see Rebecca during the school year. Even when I could come home during the Spring semester, we didn’t want to spend it on her campus, and would usually plan activities that involved an escape from school. But, for just one weekend she wanted me to visit her at school so I could get an idea of what a regular day looks like for her. She wanted me to see what her new room looked like, the route she takes to classes every day, and the places she eats at outside of campus so I could get a better idea of what her day-to-day life was actually like. She had visited BC so many times that she knew every detail of what my day-to-day life was like and just wished I knew as much about hers. It took me a while to understand this because I was instantly displeased at the fact that she brought up the idea when she first presented it. I thought that because I was never home, I should see my family every time I come home, and that it would make more sense for us to all hang out together and kill two birds with one stone. It’s not very difficult to see the problems with that thought process, because the kind of time one spends with someone is just as important as how much time you spend with someone. It was and still is important for us to spend time alone, just the two of us. When it’s just us, we reveal parts of ourselves that nobody else gets to see (not sexual innuendo). The romantic part of our relationship thrives when it is just the two of us because our behavior towards each other is at its purest and is not dictated by the presence of anyone else.
I now understand just how important it is to take into account time spent alone together, with friends, or with family. It should be as equal as possible and it should be planned deliberately and with precision (more on that soon). It is also important to gain an intimate understanding of what your partner’s average day looks like so that you get a better idea of what their life entails so that you are aware of how his or her environment affects and/or is affected by that person. This way you can be a reliable source of advice when necessary and know your partner better than anyone else knows them.
It was also extremely important for me to realize that what I thought I was supposed to do wasn’t necessarily what I should do or even wanted to do. My family put a lot of pressure on me to see them and spend lots of time with them every time I came home, but that wasn’t right of them. I spent eighteen years in that house and frankly it got to the point where I would get bored being home considering I was becoming more and more educated and my parents were never lucky enough to receive a high school education, making it very difficult for us to engage in the kind of dialogue I was interested in. I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend because I could talk to her about anything and because I’ve never regretted a second spent with her. There comes a time where we need to question our preconceived notions of what we feel we should be doing, or are obligated to be doing just because we’ve never known differently or because family tells us what we should be doing. Take control of your life and live the life you want to live, the way you want to live it, and make sure you communicate all of this information to your partner.
This piece of advice stresses the importance of planning and simple communication because these pieces of a relationship are so often overlooked. We tend to think that if our partner loves us, they should know how we feel. That is completely unrealistic and too much to ask of any human being. Practice your due diligence in planning and communicating with your partner.
Another small, but crucial point to make is to know what you want and to express it to your partner so that you can come up with plans and activities that suit both of your desires. It is not cute to always be indecisive about what you want to do or where you want to go out to eat. Know you want to do and express it to your partner so that you can plan accordingly. You are obligated to know what you want in the world. Do your best to know what you would like to eat, when you would like to eat, where you would like to do it, and what you would prefer to wear. This way you save time going back and forth on the logistics, do what you would both like to do, and ultimately spend more time with each other as opposed to taking forever to plan a simple dinner.
2. Insecurity (Rebecca)
Sophomore year of college was a very difficult time for me. Once basketball season ended in High School, I stopped caring about my physical health and appearance. I started college and began to overlook the couple of pounds gained, and continued on with my so-thought healthy lifestyle. Bags of chips or cookies for dinner mixed with pizza was a great choice right? I sure thought so. For once I didn’t have to worry about my body playing a factor into my life. In High School I pushed myself to be the best basketball player and play at the highest level that I possibly could. My trainer had me on a strict schedule, and every day consisted of agility drills, lifting, and hours of basketball practice. After that ended, I decided to take a break and give my body a rest. Weeks turned into months, and eventually turned into two years.
It was the beginning of sophomore year, and I started to feel unlike myself. I did not want to go to places I once desired to be at. I avoided conversation daily. Every time I left my dorm, I longed to go back and be in bed by myself where no one could see or talk to me. I became incredibly insecure with the way i looked after gaining 20 pounds that I despised public places. I isolated myself from my friends, because I became embarrassed of how I looked. I barely had class, and instead of making use of my time and being productive, I chose to go to my room where I could wallow and feel sorry for myself. Big mistake that was. I have never felt so alone and upset.
Yet, my boyfriend was experiencing something completely different. He was living in a room with 7 guys, where he could not avoid people even if he tried. Their room consistently had people filtering in and out, especially girls. Since there were 8 good looking guys in one room, it was a no-brainer that girls would be in and out every day. This was challenging for me to say the least. I was so insecure with myself, that each time a girl was in the room I felt so threatened. I would take my insecurities out on my boyfriend, which resulted in numerous arguments. Since I was so unhappy with the way I looked, I thought that he would be enamored by other women and want to pursue them. I saw every girl as a threat. It became so horrible that I didn’t even want Korab to socialize in fear that he would choose or entertain another girl over me (even though he is the most committed and honest man I have ever met and would never do such a thing). Ultimately because of my insecurities, I pushed him to become isolated too. My life at that point only consisted of Korab, and I expected him to act the same. We entered this slump where we would not do anything if the other was not involved. In the end, my insecurities led to both of us feeling extremely caged and miserable. I expected him to stay at home because I would freak out when he would leave his room, and since he was being argued every time he left, he would expect me to do the same. This cycle became toxic as we continued to drag each other down.
Then, a life changing conversation took place. Korab hit his breaking point. He was tired of me being miserable and taking out my lack of confidence on him. He told me exactly what I needed to hear in order to get my shit together and do something about it. Once I began to focus on my life and gaining confidence with myself and what I do, my insecurities began to deteriorate. I dedicated myself to get back in shape and feel happy and healthy with how I am, and also aspired to do more with my time and become successful. The second I became confident with myself and how I felt, I started to place higher goals for my life and became more ambitious and driven in every aspect. It was not easy. It was hard admitting to myself that I let myself go, and needed to change and lose weight. It was hard to admit that Korab was right, and I needed to do better and be better. It was especially hard when he left me. It is not easy to be broken up with, especially when they tell you that you spend too much time on them instead of yourself, and have become lazy in life. I thought going to school was enough for my future, and had to put more effort into my relationship than me.
A month had gone by without Korab, and I knew what needed to be done. I needed to fall in love with myself and live a life I was proud of. I needed to do things that would make me happy, and lead me down a path to a greater future. I instantly began only working and focusing on myself. I became extremely selfish, and made decisions based solely on whether they would benefit myself, and myself only. This consisted of me excelling in school, the gym, and my career. I found myself being so confident, that I began applying to jobs I once thought were never possible of obtaining so why bother. Still, It was hard not having Korab in my life and watching him get friendly with someone else, but the more I became obsessed with bettering my life, the less I was concerned with Korab’s (sorry babe still loved u tho (; ). I genuinely got to a place where I felt so proud of the life I was living. I began to truly fall in love with who I am. Now Korab started showing signs that he wanted to finagle his way back into my heart. He even went on spring break to Fort Lauderdale with people on his football team, and instead of being that insecure girl I was a year ago, things just felt different. I no longer stressed about what he was doing or who he was talking to/with. Instead, I found myself knowing how truly great I am and being secure with myself that I did not care who he was with. I knew that I was someone special, and if he decided to do something or not want me anymore that would be okay. I would be okay, because I was living (and still am) a life in which I felt great about myself and elated about who I was becoming.
Ultimately, I’ve learned that being insecure is normal and okay. Most people are, but that does not mean for you to bring others down because of your insecurities. It is important to work on yourself daily. A wise man named Jordan Peterson (who i think my boyfriend would drop me for in a second because he is truly in love with this man) once said, “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” There was no need for me to compare myself to every girl who walked into his college dorm room. The second I regained confidence, I started to recognize each girls’ beauty. I no longer made comparisons or put others down/pick them a part in order to make myself feel better, because I realized we are all beautiful in our own ways. I used my insecurities as fuel to make myself into a better person, and feel better about myself. I was insecure due to my lack of performance in life, and now work extremely hard to push myself to be better in every aspect. Because of this, I no longer am a weight in my partner’s life dragging him down to unhappiness. Instead, we build each other up and push one another to be the best we possibly can be. This confidence has led me to go after and acquire three incredible jobs, and continue to maintain my 35 lbs weight loss. But it doesn’t stop here, there will always be something to work on. It could be being a better sister, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, or even just an all around better you.
I’ve learned it is important to work on or learn to love your insecurities (like my one tinier eye for an example), in order to make your relationship stronger. Once you begin loving yourself and the life you live, your relationship becomes healthier because you won’t be so anxious about what the other is doing and stress the both of you out. Instead, you’ll feel incredibly secure in the relationship and know no one can compare to what you and your partner have. No one will ever be you.
I’ve learned a good way to tackle your insecurities and become better is writing down a list of things you (and your partner can help) need to work on. It’s not easy listening to your partner tell you things you need to work on, or accepting it yourself. But once you finally listen and work at being better, everything improves. So write that list. Put things you need to work on and goals you may have. Write some tiny goals you can complete weekly and some big goals you plan on pursuing throughout the year (or years). One of the greatest feelings is checking off something from your lists. It has helped me tremendously keep on track and continue to be better. There’s no greater feeling than being in love with your life, and here’s one simple way to get you started.
